The one about Collin and his Papa...

So I won't forget... I want to record, here in my blog, a memory of my dad that Collin shared with me earlier while we were eating dinner.

I don't know what made Collin think of this particular moment with my dad/his papa:

Mommy, do you remember that time I spent the night over Mamaw's and Papa's house, when Papa was too sick to go outside because of the weather so we put up my tent in the living room?

Sort-of...

Papa had his catheter and everything (my dad was very ill with prostrate cancer), but he got on the floor and slept with me in the tent on the hard floor.

He did?

Yep. And you know what he told me?

No, son. What did he tell you?

He told me not to tell Mamaw, but he was the one with the advantage that night, not Mamaw (for having the bed to herself - Dad always had a hard time sleeping/staying still). He said that he hadn't had good rest in a long time... and he would now because he was sleeping with me.

Son, our Papa was one of the sweetest men this world has ever, or will ever, see! You know that?

Yep. I do. That is why so many people miss him.

Yes, my dear boy... yes, it is.

Dad, my heart aches just picturing you so selflessly laying on that hard floor next to the apple of your eye... for what would undoubtedly be a sleepless night for you! I realize now, more than ever, that you taught me some of life's most valuable lessons without speaking one word. You are teaching me still. I... we miss you so much.

The one about being tested...

If you read my blog entry yesterday, you won't be surprised that I was tested today. When the Lord deals with us about something, and we tell Him we are going to let Him have it, usually, we don't get too far without a little test.

Today is how "far" I got. God pulls no punches.

Letting go IS NOT easy. Often, your natural, sinful self gets in the way. For me, that is usually the case. However, there are exceptions. By exceptions, I mean someone else... someone who seems determined to KEEP you from letting go! LOL. Thankfully, God is faithful. Oh yeah... and "that person" (whoever it is, and in whatever circumstance)... well, God put he/she there just for the purpose of seeing whose understanding you are going to lean on.

Today, I almost fell over while leaning on my own understanding. However, because God is serious about the commitment I made to Him, He provided me with a gentle reminder (and much needed humor) from a good friend, 800mg of ibuprofen, and the good sense to quickly lean the other way.

This evening, as I was praying about the events of the day, the thought of God hemming me in brought comfort... and these words... which turned into a song in my heart:

You see
You see who I am and what I've done
Though You've never turned away...
Stirred my heart, I wanna stay
In Your arms

You know
You know why I'm driven to my knees
Lord, my days are in Your sight...
None to fear, there's only light
In Your arms

You hear
You hear every cry of this child's heart
I've no reason to despair...
Letting go... I cast my cares
In Your arms

In Your arms
There is meaning, there is grace
There is strength to run the race
I was made for this embrace
In Your arms

Because of today's test, I have hope for tomorrow. More than yesterday.

The one about not letting go... it's bad!

You know I wanted to blog about some awesome things God had been doing… but I felt convicted, and this is what happened instead.

It seems as though I have been in a spiritual slump, lately. And slump is the word I use so it doesn’t sound so bad, or so it doesn’t sound self-inflicted.

Most of us have heard in a sermon, or read in the Bible, the account of the Ephesian church in the Book of Revelation having lost their first love:

2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

I shutter to read it. For all the passage does say, there is so much it doesn’t say, like how they can be doing so many other things spot-on, yet fall to such an embarrassing place. I think, very possibly, the reason God doesn’t spell out the “how” is because no one needs to be told. We already know. I already know, and yet I ignore the slow fade.

We have so much zeal when we first get saved… but we lack knowledge (there’s a reason God warns us about that). Then, as we mature spiritually and walk with the Lord for a good while, we gain knowledge, but there goes zeal out the window.

I see this in my own life, and I hate it. What is it? Laziness, apathy, discouragement, being willfully distracted by the busyness of life? It is all of these things. But before I latch on to one of these convenient excuses, the Holy Spirit (thank God!) whispers (or yells), “You know the problem, Melissa.”

The default for us humans is to love ourselves, and I am no different. God gets relegated to some obscure place in our lives when we take our eyes off of him and focus them on ourselves, our circumstances, or others. When the Father gets any place other than FIRST, we get every thing other than fellowship. Without fellowship, contentment goes out the window with zeal. How can I know this, yet persist for more than a minute? Again… no one needs to tell me. I already know.

I thank God He saved me. There are so many times He could have easily said, “That’s it, Melissa.” But He doesn’t. He loves me… and I will never understand it. He pours out His grace when His Holy Spirit speaks to us so personally, so clearly that we don’t want to stay the same. We don’t want to make excuses.

I work in ministry, and there is a particular situation that I have struggled with for a bit. The disturbed-enough-to-spit-nails kind-of struggle. You know the verse in Revelation earlier? Verse 2? I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false? That’s the struggle. Oh, I was all over this verse. Yep, that's me. Don't wanna tolerate wicked men who seem to be hanging around for all of the wrong reasons. How can I be part of a ministry to reach men that are lost, and not tolerate them? Or how can I hope for the Gospel to finally penetrate the heart of one who has carried Jesus’ name in complete falsehood?

The answer is simple… I can’t unless I keep my first love. And, unless I can count myself out of the “wicked” category, I better just rest awhile on thoughts of God’s mercy in my life. I know I am saved, but like the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7 - I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

In ministry, we must discern truth from a lie, separate takers from givers, tell wolves from sheep (straight jacket, anyone?). Yet none of these are the most important. The most important thing is bringing glory to God, living rightly before Him so others will see and want the same. It is hard for me to balance these things. I can’t do it... God has to. I have failed miserably the last 10 days, or so, letting go of what I can’t do. The choice is mine... think I'll loosen my grip!

The one about starting something new...

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

Ok, ok. First entry, and I have to start with the lyrics of a song by BarlowGirl. The words exactly express the feelings of my heart over the last several months as I have had to let go of the reigns of my life, letting God take over. We must learn this throughout our Christian lives, I know. But the wrestling seems to get more intense as the deepest parts of us are unveiled. There will be more on this subject, as it relates to these lyrics, but for now...

The music for the song is quite driven, really upbeat - which is fitting for the speed at which things have changed for me. Sometimes the events God brings into our lives seems to go along like a ballad - a slow, sometimes heart-wrenching fashion. Other times, it's like a specific period of God breaking us and molding our lives is abruptly, amazingly complete. It feels like a rush... of emotion, of events, of elation. That's where I am, and I am grateful!

So much history begs to be told, but I could never fit it all in, and probably shouldn't. Suffice to say, I have been a single mom for 8.5 of the 9.5 years my son, Collin, has been alive. His father has been absent for the 8.5. I prayed God would remove him from Collin's life, because I got saved when Collin was 9-months old, and his father, well, didn't. And never has. So, being unmarried at the time, I gave my life to the Lord and did the right thing... I moved on with my life, and he moved on with his. What an answer to prayer!

You know, we had not been in contact with one another for over 6 years, until recently. Yet for reasons known to me, the Lord, and those closest to me, Collin and I needed closure. So, due to circumstances only God could orchestrate, on May 30, 2008, a judge passed an order effectively making me Collin's only legal parent. For a mom who needs to make decisions regarding the care/custody of her child in the event something should happen to her, this is a BIG deal! The issue has been a concern of mine for almost ten years, and God has taken care of it in the blink of an eye! Even now, I am overwhelmed by the fact that God did this BECAUSE HE LOVES US, and knows what is best for Collin... much more than I do. It's been an awesome experience seeing God in control of the whole situation!

I know... what a heavy-hitter for a first blog! Well, let me tell ya - this is life as I know it. This is how God works in my life, and in the lives of my brothers and sisters in Christ. He quiets us with His love when He relieves the burdens in our lives. It is nothing to be quiet about... hmmm, more BarlowGirl lyrics are coming to mind, "how can we be silent?"

If one's life is only a happy-go-lucky, sugar-coated reality of hell, prosperity mumbo-jumbo, nothing-ever-goes-wrong, rose-colored glasses, my-God-wouldn't-do-that kind of Christianity there is a big problem (hint: God ain't the problem).

God sends the storms, He purposes the pain, and He redeems from wretchedness those who are His children. I am thankful for all God has had to do in me and to me, because I know he is making me into something I could never be otherwise. And if I don't share it... I am not giving Him the glory that is His alone.

Whew! Done! The first one and it's only 3:00 a.m. YIKES!

Well, take note. Now that I have started this blog-thingy (with Bethany's help), I just may have to stick with it, because God is on the move and it's too good to keep to myself.