The one about not letting go... it's bad!

You know I wanted to blog about some awesome things God had been doing… but I felt convicted, and this is what happened instead.

It seems as though I have been in a spiritual slump, lately. And slump is the word I use so it doesn’t sound so bad, or so it doesn’t sound self-inflicted.

Most of us have heard in a sermon, or read in the Bible, the account of the Ephesian church in the Book of Revelation having lost their first love:

2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

I shutter to read it. For all the passage does say, there is so much it doesn’t say, like how they can be doing so many other things spot-on, yet fall to such an embarrassing place. I think, very possibly, the reason God doesn’t spell out the “how” is because no one needs to be told. We already know. I already know, and yet I ignore the slow fade.

We have so much zeal when we first get saved… but we lack knowledge (there’s a reason God warns us about that). Then, as we mature spiritually and walk with the Lord for a good while, we gain knowledge, but there goes zeal out the window.

I see this in my own life, and I hate it. What is it? Laziness, apathy, discouragement, being willfully distracted by the busyness of life? It is all of these things. But before I latch on to one of these convenient excuses, the Holy Spirit (thank God!) whispers (or yells), “You know the problem, Melissa.”

The default for us humans is to love ourselves, and I am no different. God gets relegated to some obscure place in our lives when we take our eyes off of him and focus them on ourselves, our circumstances, or others. When the Father gets any place other than FIRST, we get every thing other than fellowship. Without fellowship, contentment goes out the window with zeal. How can I know this, yet persist for more than a minute? Again… no one needs to tell me. I already know.

I thank God He saved me. There are so many times He could have easily said, “That’s it, Melissa.” But He doesn’t. He loves me… and I will never understand it. He pours out His grace when His Holy Spirit speaks to us so personally, so clearly that we don’t want to stay the same. We don’t want to make excuses.

I work in ministry, and there is a particular situation that I have struggled with for a bit. The disturbed-enough-to-spit-nails kind-of struggle. You know the verse in Revelation earlier? Verse 2? I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false? That’s the struggle. Oh, I was all over this verse. Yep, that's me. Don't wanna tolerate wicked men who seem to be hanging around for all of the wrong reasons. How can I be part of a ministry to reach men that are lost, and not tolerate them? Or how can I hope for the Gospel to finally penetrate the heart of one who has carried Jesus’ name in complete falsehood?

The answer is simple… I can’t unless I keep my first love. And, unless I can count myself out of the “wicked” category, I better just rest awhile on thoughts of God’s mercy in my life. I know I am saved, but like the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7 - I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

In ministry, we must discern truth from a lie, separate takers from givers, tell wolves from sheep (straight jacket, anyone?). Yet none of these are the most important. The most important thing is bringing glory to God, living rightly before Him so others will see and want the same. It is hard for me to balance these things. I can’t do it... God has to. I have failed miserably the last 10 days, or so, letting go of what I can’t do. The choice is mine... think I'll loosen my grip!